. 1. Everyone thinks you are stupid.
It wouldn’t matter if you had a degree in biochemical engineering, if you’ve messed up that old ladies order, to her, you have the same mental capacity of a teaspoon…. Which, coincidentally, is what she asked you for!
2. Table choice is a matter of life and death.
There could be twenty free tables that all look the same, but none of them (NONE OF THEM!!) are more inviting than that really dirty one over there. Beware; the customer will continue to stand beside it tut’ing and acting like their tray has the equivalent weight of ten breeze blocks until you clean it for them.
3. Coffee is supposed to be hot.
Who knew right? Well apparently you didn’t because that gentleman in the white there has told you 50 times that he wants a medium cappuccino and can you make sure it’s hot?!?
4. Penny pinching is an art form.
There is no bigger achievement for an elderly couple than reducing the price of their food and coffees from £20 to a whopping 45p. Vouchers, offers, gift cards and discounts are the most exciting thing in their lives. Please Note: they will proceed to give you the said 45p in 2p’s and pennies and will lose count several times….Then ask you to count it.
5. Everything costs too much.
There is nothing more disturbing than the sour features of a middle aged lady as she repeatedly checks her receipt and tuts at you like you have personally stolen the food out of her children’s mouths.
6. It’s all your fault.
It wouldn’t matter if the whole of the local primary school and their grannies had just filtered through the door. If there is so much as a sniff of a queue then you aren’t working hard enough.
7. Tea is a gift sent from God himself.
There is nothing better than someone asking for tea. Why? Teapot, teabag, water, done!!
8. Expect stupid questions.
It doesn’t matter how many times a week wee Noreen comes in. She’s still gonna ask you where you get the milk and sugar.
‘Just over there pet’
*same place you got it Yesterday*
9. People suddenly lose the power in their legs.
*sets down food*
‘Uh oh, I forgot to lift the cutlery’
It’s ok I’ll get it!
‘Aww will Ya that’s awful kind of you, will you get us some ketchup, oh and some salt too. ‘
Aye I know your game!!
10. There are very few people in this world that know the difference between a cappuccino and a latte.
‘Which ones the cappuccino?’
‘Whys it got chocolate on top?’
‘That’s the caramel latte?’